Don’t worry about trying to translate that. It is the title of a movie that I purchased at K-Mart for $3. There is apparently enough of a Hispanic population in the Colonial Park area for there to be an unexpected variety of Spanish-language DVD’s in the cheapo rack. I did pass on all the screwball comedies and romance telenovelas, however, and picked up what seems to be the Latin American answer to Saturday night Sci Fi Original Movies.
I have just put the DVD in for the first time, and I thought this merited a bit of liveblogging, though for your sanity and mine, I will probably edit this when I’m done. Now, looking at the trailer, I can see that this will probably be a long post.
The first visual is a missile of some sort crossing the desert and landing in the distance somewhere. This prompts a trio of confused young men suffering from anxiety to go spelunking. Apparently, they don’t let their mental impairment stop them from running into a cave and being eaten by the camera while a choir of Catholics ‘ooh oooh ooohhhs’ in the background.
The opening credits take place in front of a bunch of skateboarders at a park, scored by someone who watched too many X-Files but is apparently tone deaf. A couple finds a lost baby and takes it to The Creepy Hospital of Doom and Despair, circa 1973. A Google Image search doesn’t bring up any screen caps from this movie, but trust me when I tell you that the Nazgul have converted to Islam and are spying on the baby from beyond. Either that or Moonlight Knight has been moonlighting.
The first gift appears to be the Gift of Hallucination. You know, I once saw Jesus move on the cross in a Catholic church too. I was probably around the same age as this little 9-year-old mocoso. It was a combination of shitty lighting and mass hysteria. Here kid, let me lend you this science book, and a copy of The God Delusion. Your life will be better because of it.
Cut to the year 2000. Apparently he’s all grown up now and pretending to be Indiana Jones alongside a guy who looks like the clone-child of Major Lorne and Dr. Beckett from Stargate Atlantis and likes to drive through the desert smoking weed.
It appears the kids have been hunting for ghosts, or aliens, or Noah’s Ark. At this point it’s not clear, and it doesn’t seem like it really matters.
So far, the best part of this movie are the creative insults. Then after some B-plot relationship drama I paid little attention to, Mexican!Gandalf makes his first appearance in a nightmare shared by Julio (the protagonist) and Clone-Son-of-Lorne-and-Beckett (from now on to be referred to as Clone Jr.).
So far, though, this movie falls short of Zardoz badness. [Click here for my Zardoz review.] Julio and Clone Jr. get lost in the desert and go on to confuse Moonlight Knight and Friends for Mennonites. They lead the duo to meet Mexican!Gandalf. Ol’ Gandy’s let himself go; he’s spouting Apocalyptic nonsense. And Julio and Clone Jr. just ran past the boom. As in, microphone pole. *facepalm*
*double facepalm* When I mentioned the Nazgul I was being facetious. Now one actually appeared, shrieking exactly like in The Fellowship of the Ring, dressed in the same black capes. And I believe there’s more than nine of them. Whoops! This thing was filmed in 2003… has anybody contacted New Line about this?
On second thought, if I were New Line, I wouldn’t want to give this piece of shit that much publicity.
Have they really discovered an ancient Egyptian civilization in Mexico or was Clone Jr.’s weed spiked?
Clone Jr. reading the fake hieroglyphs: “One, one, one, one. Four ones!”
Me: “Tomorrow, we’ll do colours!”
Breaking News! Egyptian civilization began in Mexico! #historyfail
In the end, the Nazgul killed the traitor in the party, and Clone Jr. got sucked into the stargate. He’ll catch hell when his dads get to him. Plus he dragged Julio along into the wormhole. They’re not gonna let him keep him.
Cut to a second team of idiots on their way to the same place. It’s a pity this is the second team and we don’t get to see them. They’re better looking than Julio, Clone Jr. and company. Off they ride toward certain doom! Bye Team 2! Hope you packed enough ammo!
This movie made absolutely no sense, and wasn’t even bad enough to be good. Don’t watch it. Hell, if you’ve read this far, I owe you a drink or two in apology.
I don’t understand why Gandalf kept talking about the apocalypse, but we got no apocalypse. Just Nazgul and a sarcophagus. I was about to warn them about the sarcophagus, but I was hoping a Goa’uld would pop out of it and kill them.
Oh well, more’s the pity. Nice try, Mexico. Nice try. But no internets for you.